Deep down, I suppose I’ve known for a long time..
I’ve felt this before, it lurks within me constantly, boiling up and simmering down
this emptiness, it overpowers me, it screams, it kicks away all that it knows
my body, my mind, my soul, it all yearns for the unknown,
it yearns to be a stranger to everything around it, to dive into a new world .
I am tired of being familiar, I am tired of seeing everything I already know
It’s all been here too long, its worn me out, greyed my hair, aged my skin.
I look like I’ve been alive much longer, like I’ve seen too much.
Yet I’ve seen nothing at all, nothing.
I’m not satisfied.
There is an intolerable hunger in me, for everything, yet nothing at all.
I look at my lover and as I kiss him, I forget, I forget what even led me here.
I look at my friends and I can’t seem to understand what has me here.
I will never be able to swim into the ocean with these anchors tied to my feet.
But then I think, it is much too soon, and I am living too far from the now, maybe
when the moment comes, I will just know, maybe then everything will disintegrate
Maybe it’s all being undone, stitch by stitch, maybe I am being reconstructed right now
Maybe because I know this, maybe this is why it is haunting me.
I have always been my own misery, I will never be happy like this, waiting for the future
with my hands still anchored to all the yesterdays that make my insides turn and my heart
beat out of tune, maybe I am just as lost as I pretend not to be..
Maybe I don’t even love myself, maybe I don’t believe anything I say, but maybe, I do.
I do, I must.
I look at my lover and I think of his hands, and the specks of two toned caramel on his skin. I look at my lover and I think of his words, the way they’ve built a labyrinth inside me, life vibrating in every corner, there are flowers there, there is beauty there, and sometimes, even in the darkest hours of the night, you see it glow from the outside, through my skin, when he looks at me that way, as if this moment were all that matters.